Concur!

This is one of those stories that I've been meaning to write about for awhile. Back before Christmas Jake was trying to plug in his laptop but unfortunately the outlet is between the wall and the couch. It's sort of a pain to get to.

Jake: Whose idea was it to put the couch here!

Me: Probably mine.

Jake: Well, you shouldn't have done it!

Me: It may have been my idea but Daddy concurred.

Jake: Well don't ever concur with Mommy again!

Me: Oh yeah? If Daddy didn't concur with Mommy we wouldn't have this house. We wouldn't have....

Link: ....You.

Me: That's right.

Jake: Well don't do it anymore!

Me: So Jake, if Mommy were to go to Daddy and say "I think we should take the kids back to Niagara Falls." what should Daddy say?

Jake: Concur! Concur!!!

Career Day

Jake: Guess what I want to be when I grow up?

Me: What?

Jake: I want to work in a bank.

Hannah: Are you going to be a bank teller?

(pause)

Link: Or a bank robber?

Aunt Lorraine

I don't know where to start.

I know it has been a seriously long time since I've blogged.

Until tonight it has also been a really long time since I talked to my parents or my sister Debbie.

I don't know where I am mentally.

On one hand I feel better than I've felt in a long, long time. I feel like me. I feel happy and confident and not depressed.

You would think that's a good thing.

But the days that I feel the best....I feel the worst.

Doesn't make sense, does it?

Christmas was great. For Christmas I planned a series of trips for the family. Link got a trip to Dublin with me in January. Hannah got a trip to Paris and London with me in February. Jake got a trip with the whole family to Niagara Falls in April.

I was happy. I was excited for our travels. I had actually paid for almost all of Christmas with the debit card and not the credit card.

And yet.

I cut.

I cut myself on Christmas. Two long slashes along my arm.

Why?

I don't know.

It had been one of the happiest days I've had in a long time.

But I did.

And then a few days later I was curled up in the fetal position afraid to take care of my kids while Link was at work.

Then New Years Eve came along.

Once again, it was a good day. We had Lincoln's brother and sister-in-law over. There was good food, a few drinks, and a fun time playing cards.

But the night ended in tears, a lot of cutting, and me in the treehouse by myself praying to a God I don't necessarily believe in.

I think about this blog all the time.

I have notes all over my desk about funny conversations that I've had with the kids. About things that are happening at work or at home.

And yet, I don't care.

I don't want to blog.

For a long time this blog was very enjoyable for me. I loved the fact that it's a diary of my kids' childhood.

And maybe that's why right now I don't want to record what is happening.

I'm happy and yet apparently I'm miserable. Maybe subconsciously I don't want to record what is happening in my life right now.

If I have learned nothing else over the past year, I've learned that depression is not something you can control or even understand.

And apparently it's not something I can conquer.

At least not yet. But I'm going to keep trying.

So, what does this have to do with Aunt Lorraine?

I don't know.

I was reading a book tonight and it made me think of her. How she lives in a very, very, VERY small town in Iowa and lives a fairly simple life with Uncle Bob. She is always warm and welcoming and even if you drop by without a moment's notice she'll lay out a spread of food like she has been expecting your visit for months.

She symbolizes home. And comfort. And family.

And whatever it was that I was reading earlier that triggered my memories of her got me to blog tonight about my problems.

I guess, in that way, she still symbolizes home, and comfort, and family.

And that's what I need to hold onto.

Presidential power

Tonight we were having a fairly casual dinner. Jake was making his hot dogs, Hannah was eating what she had made, and Link and I were eating fondue. Because everyone kept coming and going I was reading my book while we were at the table.

Hannah: I thought you said we're not allowed to read at the table.

Me: You're right, I did. But I'm the mommy so I can break the rules sometimes. When you're a mommy you can do the same thing.

(pause)

Hannah: Well what about Daddy? Doesn't he have any say?

(I look at Lincoln)

Link (laughing): Not really.

Me: Daddy is sort of like the Vice President. He has a title but no real power.

So proud

Jake can't go into a single store - or watch a single commercial - without wanting to buy something for himself. He wants everything. The other day I had a $50 credit at a local nursery that I knew was going to expire at the end of the year. I didn't want to let time get away from me and then realize that I had lost that $50 so I decided to let Jake spend it. At first Hannah was a little jealous but then I explained that she and I get to do all sorts of Mommy/Daughter things and I thought this would be a good Mommy/Son thing since Jake loves to garden.

But do you know what?

The little bugger surprised me.

He bought more stuff for Hannah than he did for himself. She recently decided she wanted to decorate her room with a "nature" theme so he bought her a plant, a stuffed owl, and a small fake Christmas tree. Then we went to another store and he bought her a frog doing a yoga move on a rock (she's into yoga lately because her teacher has the class do it at school).

What a softie.

Good things CAN come in shirt size boxes

(Unwrapping a birthday present the size of a shirt box.)

Jake: Mommy, why do you get to choose all of my clothes? They're too small for you anyway.

Link: Jake! How do you know that is clothes? You haven't even opened it yet.

(To me, under his breath.)

Link: Is it clothes?

Me: Yep.

(Upon discovering they're dinosaur pajamas.)

Jake: Wow! Thanks! (big hug for Mommy)

Bruce, Leo & Riley

Aren't they adorable?